DNC Jesus vs. GOP Jesus

A video portraying the “GOP Jesus” came out ahead of the 2018 midterm election, and I must say that it’s pretty funny. If the piece were simply a bit of satire designed to critique many conservative Christians for blindly following the GOP, I’d find it downright hilarious.

The creators took some of Jesus’s teachings and amended them so that they sound more “Republican.” I use scare-quotes because the positions are blatant overstatements, which can make for good comedy unless it’s clear that the writer doesn’t realize he or she is using hyperbole.

As the video rolls along, it becomes clear that it’s not only satire but pointedly partisan and designed to mock “hypocritical Christians/conservatives.” So, the hyperbole loses its comedic bite because the creators aren’t intending what they’re saying as hyperbole.*

The partisan nature makes it clear they believe they’re stating honest policy positions of the GOP. When that happens, satire becomes a stale, unconvincing straw-man.

Clearly, any Christian who aligns more or less with GOP policies is out of step with the teachings of Jesus. Since that’s the case, I figured I’d compare this GOP Jesus with the DNC Jesus so that we can learn the truth about the righteousness we all need.

DNC Jesus

“And whoever welcomes one child like this in my name welcomes me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to fall away—it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea–that is unless the child causes undue obstacles to your career goals, in which case you should terminate the harmful clump of cells.” cf. Matthew 18:5-6

“Don’t think I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to abolish but to say that it never existed in the first place. Forget the righteousness of the Pharisees and Scribes. You do you so long as you’re not hurting anyone.” cf. Matthew 5:17-20

“Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them. Unless they disagree with you politically. Then you’re free to shout them down and hurl them from your college campuses. You don’t have to love those people.” cf. Luke 6:31-36

“For what does it benefit someone if he gains the whole world, and yet loses or forfeits himself? So, you’d better use your cultural influence to humiliate those who go by My name and are honestly trying to live by My teachings the best they can. Take away their world and make sure they’ve got plenty of soul, am I right?” cf. Luke 6:25-27

“Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye, but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye? Because the #metoo movement only matters when it’s a conservative who’s in power. Hypocrisy isn’t actually a thing when political power’s at stake!” cf. Luke 6:41

…if anyone slaps you on your right cheek, turn to riot and burn down the entire community around you. You’re only expressing your anger, which is justified.” cf. Matthew 5:39

“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your belongings and give everything away, or do whatever the heck you want, really! There’s no such thing as perfection, anyway, much less an afterlife to worry about! Just eat, drink, and be merry (so long as there’s mutual consent).” cf. Matthew 19:21

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you call everyone whose beliefs about just about any given topic differ from yours in the slightest way a ‘racist, bigoted, homophobic piece of slime.’ You only have to love those who share your opinions! cf. John 13:35

“For she said to herself, ‘If I can just touch his robe, I’ll be made well.’ Jesus said, ‘Have courage my daughter and forget about your faith! Thoughts and prayers are absolutely meaningless, and only phonies who don’t care about others ever pray.” cf. Matthew 9:20-22

How hard it is for those who have no wealth to enter the kingdom of God! So, you’d better make sure the 1% give you their wealth. Otherwise, you’ll just never make it to heaven.” cf. Mark 10:23-25

“Love your neighbor as yourself! Unless your neighbor is trying to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind and strength and something they do offends you. In that case, sue them for all their worth.” cf. Mark 12:29-31

“You have heard it said, ‘Do not commit adultery. But I tell you, everyone who looks lustfully at woman or man should fornicate with that person immediately so long as there is mutual consent.” cf. Matthew 5:27-28

“One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, ‘There’s a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish—but what are they for so many?’ Jesus said, ‘What do you want me to do about it? Miracles aren’t possible. What? Are you an anti-science wing nut who believes in this stuff?” cf. John 6:8-11

But from the beginning of creation God made them sexless, genderless blobs. Any sort of differences in their biology or physiology were inconsequential. Whatever their feelings say, so shall they be. God has no plan whatsoever about how His creation should join together in marriage.” cf. Mark 10:6-9

The video ends by quoting the “actual Jesus” in Mark 7:9: “You have a fine way of invalidating God’s command in order to set up your tradition!”

If the “GOP Jesus is guilty of this, then the “DNC Jesus” certainly doesn’t have clean hands either.

In fact, let’s conclude with Mark 7:13.

“You nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many other similar things.” ––Actual Jesus

*The video ends with a call to “go vote,” illustrating the political nature of the video (I didn’t read the YouTube description before watching the video).